Letter From the Editor: Wheel Nuts
October 1, 2005
Although I am no sports aficionado, it is my understanding that among the followers of ball games involving bases, baskets and, most specifically, feet, there exists an individual known as the Monday Morning Quarterback. A pompous expert, he proffers analysis and opinion free of charge to all—or none—within earshot. As an uncredentialed automobile designer, dispensing verdicts on the efficacy of such and such a car’s design is one of my greatest pleasures. And like any Monday Morning Automobile Designer, I can praise or pillory a product without regard for focus groups, engineers, or a phalanx of accountants insisting that four lug nuts are more cost-effective than five. Which brings us to the subject of this brief disquisition.
The wheel, born of prehistoric ingenuity and necessity, has, with the 21st-century motorcar, become a laughingstock. It has suffered a bathetic descent from automotive cornerstone to absurd decorative accessory, as evinced by the hundreds of atrocious offerings available on the aftermarket.
The worst offenders, second only to the idiotic spinning variety, are suitable for the grim reaper’s chariot, with razor-sharp centers styled to resemble menacing scythes, hooks, and blades of torture. Motorcycles, too, are not immune from these designs. Pure kitsch, they are the product of Beowulf’s own CNC machine and could easily grace the corniest heavy metal album cover.
Germane to this rant is the humble lug nut. With the proscription by our ever-encroaching government of the elegant knockoff—rendered to perfection by Borrani—the modern passenger car has been relegated to wheels attached by a handful of tiny but effective fasteners. Some nationalities—the contrarian French come immediately to mind—employ as few as three; America’s new Cadillac CTS-V has double that number. The most elegant wheels use a quintet of nuts, whereas many quirkier automobiles sport wheels with four. But what of the portion attaching rim to hub, and what do lug nuts have to do with anything?
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