Letter From The Editor: Die Another Day
10/02/2003
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Which is why a wise man with enemies looks twice and rolls up the windows before burying his face in his beloved double chili and cheese. A harmless midnight cholesterol fest at the La Cienega Fatburger could become a drive-by bloodbath if the Maybach’s 22-inch gold spinners raise the hackles of an indignant rival. And while some might describe a successful strike as rich justice, the fact is, it doesn’t have to end that way if you dine coddled in armor plate, Kevlar, and ballistic glass. You, sir, drive an armored car.Coming to terms with being a premeditated target must be sobering in the extreme. The closest I ever came was having a disgruntled staffer try to light me on fire. For those confronting the ugly reality that they might be wearing a bull’s-eye on their forehead, comfort exists in the knowledge that mobile cocoons can keep you safe, at least when you are in them. Whether you are enjoying gracious in-car dining or blasting down the interstate to catch your Gulfstream, there is a wealth of conveyances that can afford you protection. Common to the best is stealthy understatement that lets the armored vehicle do its job quietly and without fanfare.
But some people can’t leave well enough alone. For those who want to mix it up a little, not just evading danger but actually fighting fire with fire, we can look to film for inspiration. The most well-known rolling arsenals are the Aston Martins of Agent 007, beginning with his DB5, launched in 1963 and famously filmed in 1964. The car was beautiful; one of Carrozzeria Touring’s Superleggera masterpieces painted Silver Birch. It would become the most famous sports car of the era, and was actually responsible for the resuscitation of Aston Martin’s ailing fortunes, sufficient at least for them to limp along into the 1970s. As a youngster, I remember building a model of the crafty contraption, wondering why real cars were not offered with machine guns, bulletproof window shields, and oil slick discharges. I have since wished, on occasion, for an ejector seat attached to a button that says “Loquacious Passenger.” Bond had all the bases covered, and I suspect that the lure of his special DB5 has had more than one collector covet the car for reasons that go beyond its purely automotive attributes. A proprietor of one exotic shop told me that he discovered a cassette of the Goldfinger sound track in a DB5 he was restoring, its sheepish owner likely imagining himself to be 007 as he hummed the theme and made machine gun noises between gear shifts.
Armored cars are serious business, but it is hard not to find a little humor in the extreme creations of Hollywood. My favorite is one of the little-known vehicles of that other agent, Maxwell Smart. Seen at the beginning of some, but not all, episodes of Get Smart was the bungling spy driving a tidy Sunbeam Tiger. If memory serves, the tiny roadster was equipped with a Gatling Gun that emerged from a trapdoor in the bonnet, dwarfing the car and looking much more imposing than its slapstick driver. It was only years later, when looking to buy a Tiger, that I appreciated the full humor of the concept, as one would be hard-pressed to squeeze a peashooter into the crowded engine compartment, much less a machine gun. I decided to pass. Plus, it’s probably not the safest place to eat a hamburger.